Hollow and Mellow

Hi,
are you all doing fine? I wish you do.

Now is 12.55 AM in Germany. I couldn't fall asleep. No wonder, as usual, the stupid me. I drunk a cup of caffee last night in order to stay awake because I actually wanted to finish a book that I borrowed from the library in Frankfurt almost one month ago. Yeah, tomorrow I gotta give it back. But somehow I just couldn't get my eyes off my laptop and here I am, end up in front of my laptop with these tired eyes. But I am happy, at least now I have time to blog. You will understand if you were me, you have actually lots to write but somehow you just didn't find the right time to write. Writing needs a right time and a right feeling. I just somehow never succeed to get along with both of these things. I have either time without right feeling or feeling without right time. Okay let's start my story.

As you can read above, this post today entitled "Hollow and Mellow". It describes the feeling I have now. This night I just suddenly feel homesick. Classic. It is usually normal when you are far away from your family and all you can do to cure your homesick is staring at the photos that you have. But it's actually not the point of what I really feel now. I personally don't know what kind of feeling I have now. It's like happy, sad, confused, depressed, I don't know, it's like somehow getting mixed. Happy because I only have 12 weekends left to see my family and friends in Indonesia ; sad because I only have 12 weekends more to spend time with my family and friends in Germany ; confused because I want to get my Bachelor title as soon as possible ; depressed because I really want to do my master in Germany but it's not as easy as people think. Yeah, actually the confussion and depression don't need to be considered seriously, they come just because I am such a damn thinker. I always think too much and too far.

But the two feelings : Happy and sad, they are true. I don't know which one is better, if I should say "Yuhu, I only have 12 weekends more before I fly back to Indonesian" or "Oh no, I only have 12 weekends more before I leave Germany" . Those are hard to choose. You know what, I love my homeland, Indonesia. There lives my family, my friends. Lots of memories happened there. There are things I hate about Indonesia, but honestly I miss to be there. I belong to there. But in the other side, I can't deny, I don't want to leave Germany. Here is everything perfect. I can be myself, I am different here. I am so confident to be the Indonesien among the Germanian. 9 months here is enough to give me lots of memories, to give me a few of good friends and to give me a perfect German family. Germany has taught me lots of things, it carved me to be the independent, discipline, on-time, hard-working, and unspoiled person. From the problems I got here, I learnt to solve them all by myself, to face the lonelyness without tears, to be a cheerful one in every day because I know if I am sad it would bring nothing. The life in Germany is far away from the word easy. You have to struggle to survive here. But somehow I love it.

I live here with a German family : Eva, Stephan and Lilly. I will tell you a little bit about them.

Eva is my Gastmutter. She is 37 years old. A beautiful and smooth woman, a very intelligent and patient one. If you meet her, I believe you will think the same way like me. She is an angel. The way she talks, the way she laughs, the way she jokes, you will always feel blessed to know her. I love her for sure. Since the first time I was here, I feel blessed I have her.

Stephan, he is my Gastvater. He is 38 years old. A handsome and also smart man. He's very humorous, but once he gets angry, he will roar like a lion. I hate when I have problem with him. But it's Stephan. Once he is angry, he is angry. But when the problem is over, it is over. He won't discuss it anymore or use it as a reason to be angry at someone. He is a very good father. He is over-protective to his daughter, but somehow he reminds me to my father. My father is also over protective, especially to me, because I am the only girl that he has. I understand the way he protects his daughter. I can also say that he is a gentleman. He won't let someone hurt a dog, even the dog doesn't belong to him. He will get into a fight for that dog. For him, if it is not right, then it is not right and he won't hesitate to oppose something that is not right, even it means he will get hurt. I love him even I hate his stubborn-ness. But if I didn't meet him, I would never learn to be unstubborn person. Yeah, I was a very bullheaded girl. But to face the bullheaded Stephan, I can't be a bullheaded Disti. That's why I will always love him no matter how many problems we had.

And now, I will tell you about my little sister, Lilly. She was 5 years old as I arrived in Germany and this year she turned 6. Her character is the mix of Stephan's and Eva's. She is a very stubborn person. She will not listen to you when you say "Don't climb that tree because if you fall down it hurts" until she falls down and she knows "it hurts" then she will say "You are right, it hurts" as she bursts into tears. She is a brave, sporty and active girl, but she can't hold her tears when she sees a worm that died in water, even she didn't kill that worm. She has a very good heart, a very sweet smile and frankly, she brings people a very good and positive atmosphere. I love her more than anything. For me, she is my sister, even sometimes she told me that I am not her family and that's why I may not kiss her deeply and too much. But I always kiss her so deep even at the end we will fight because she says "Disti, lass das (Disti, stop it)" and I will answer "Ich will nicht, Ich will dich immer kuessen (I don't want, I always want to kiss you)" and we will argue that I am not her family and I may not kiss her, but as we both are so stubborn, I will always say that I love her so much, that's why I always want to kiss her. And at the end she will always "Ja, ich habe dich auch lieb Disti, aber bitte kuess mich nicht mehr (Ja, I love you too Disti, but please don't kiss me anymore)" She is my best friend here. I never share my problem with her, but everytime I have homesick or some problems, I feel like she somehow understands me and she will come to me and give me one or two of her stickers and say "Where do you want it? You know what Disti, it gives you much of lucks. You will always be happy and protected. I will give it as a present for you." or sometimes she comes to my room and brings her drawing and says "Disti, yuhu. I have a surprise for you. You have to look for it. I have hidden it somewhere." and we look for it together but at the end she will always say "Look at here. Maybe it is here." and she just actually tells me where it is. It is only a simple drawing, with some sentences with wrong letter because she hasn't been good at writing, but it says : "Liebe Disti Hesjen Kuschel Muschel. Meine unterschrift Disti (Dear Disti, Kuschel Muschel The Bunny. My signature: Disti)" or only a heart with "Liebe Disti, deine Lilly (Dear Disti, your Lilly). I still remember the time we fought and suddenly she went into my room and hide something there, and at night as I wanted to sleep, I found a "rainbow" drawing under my pillow. I love her so much. And I know she loves me. Once she asked me "Disti, why are you no longer here in Sommer?" I told her that I have to finish my study in Indonesia and she told me "Why do you have to go back to Indonesia? You live there for your entire life. Why don't you stay here?" And she asked me too "Disti, would you get back?" "Where? to Germany?" "Ya." "I wish Lilly I will go back someday." At that time, I promise myself if one day I come back here, I will always visit my family here when I have time.

Yeah.. I can only tell you guys, I am blessed I have this family. Even we sometimes have problem, but I love them, no matter what happened. I always pray to God to keep my family in Indonesia and also in Germany. It is hard for me. In the next 3 months I will meet my own family. My own mother, my own father, my own sibling-my brother. But in the next 3 months I have to leave my family here, my German mother, my German father, my German sister.. Hard to choose.

But it is life. When you let people come into your life, you should always know that one day you have to let them come out of your life. But I never regret to have those people in my life, because from them, I learnt to love and be loved. I am blessed to have them in my life :)




xoxo


Disti

P.S Here are some drawings Lilly made for me by herself. I also put a handicraft I made with her in this Easter. :)