are you all doing fine? I wish you do.
Now is 12.55 AM in Germany. I couldn't fall asleep. No wonder, as
usual, the stupid me. I drunk a cup of caffee last night in order to
stay awake because I actually wanted to finish a book that I borrowed
from the library in Frankfurt almost one month ago. Yeah, tomorrow I
gotta give it back. But somehow I just couldn't get my eyes off my
laptop and here I am, end up in front of my laptop with these tired
eyes. But I am happy, at least now I have time to blog. You will
understand if you were me, you have actually lots to write but somehow
you just didn't find the right time to write. Writing needs a right time
and a right feeling. I just somehow never succeed to get along with both
of these things. I have either time without right feeling or feeling
without right time. Okay let's start my story.
can read above, this post today entitled "Hollow and Mellow". It
describes the feeling I have now. This night I just suddenly feel
homesick. Classic. It is usually normal when you are far away from your family
and all you can do to cure your homesick is staring at the photos that
you have. But it's actually not the point of what I really feel now. I
personally don't know what kind of feeling I have now. It's like happy,
sad, confused, depressed, I don't know, it's like somehow getting mixed.
Happy because I only have 12 weekends left to see my family and friends
in Indonesia ; sad because I only have 12 weekends more to spend time
with my family and friends in Germany ; confused because I want to get
my Bachelor title as soon as possible ; depressed because I really want
to do my master in Germany but it's not as easy as people think. Yeah,
actually the confussion and depression don't need to be considered
seriously, they come just because I am such a damn thinker. I always
think too much and too far.
But the two feelings :
Happy and sad, they are true. I don't know which one is better, if I
should say "Yuhu, I only have 12 weekends more before I fly back to
Indonesian" or "Oh no, I only have 12 weekends more before I leave
Germany" . Those are hard to choose. You know what, I love my homeland,
Indonesia. There lives my family, my friends. Lots of memories happened
there. There are things I hate about Indonesia, but honestly I miss to
be there. I belong to there. But in the other side, I can't deny, I
don't want to leave Germany. Here is everything perfect. I can be
myself, I am different here. I am so confident to be the Indonesien
among the Germanian. 9 months here is enough to give me lots of
memories, to give me a few of good friends and to give me a perfect
German family. Germany has taught me lots of things, it carved me to be
the independent, discipline, on-time, hard-working, and unspoiled
person. From the problems I got here, I learnt to solve them all by
myself, to face the lonelyness without tears, to be a cheerful one in
every day because I know if I am sad it would bring nothing. The life
in Germany is far away from the word easy. You have to struggle to survive
here. But somehow I love it.
I live here with a German
family : Eva, Stephan and Lilly. I will tell you a little bit about
Eva is my Gastmutter. She is 37 years old. A beautiful and smooth
woman, a very intelligent and patient one. If you meet her, I believe
you will think the same way like me. She is an angel. The way she talks,
the way she laughs, the way she jokes, you will always feel blessed to
know her. I love her for sure. Since the first time I was here, I feel
blessed I have her.
Stephan, he is my Gastvater. He is 38 years old. A
handsome and also smart man. He's very humorous, but once he gets angry,
he will roar like a lion. I hate when I have problem with him. But it's
Stephan. Once he is angry, he is angry. But when the problem is over,
it is over. He won't discuss it anymore or use it as a reason to be
angry at someone. He is a very good father. He is over-protective to his
daughter, but somehow he reminds me to my father. My father is also
over protective, especially to me, because I am the only girl that he
has. I understand the way he protects his daughter. I can also say that he is
a gentleman. He won't let someone hurt a dog, even the dog doesn't
belong to him. He will get into a fight for that dog. For him, if it is
not right, then it is not right and he won't hesitate to oppose
something that is not right, even it means he will get hurt. I love him
even I hate his stubborn-ness. But if I didn't meet him, I would never
learn to be unstubborn person. Yeah, I was a very bullheaded girl. But
to face the bullheaded Stephan, I can't be a bullheaded Disti. That's
why I will always love him no matter how many problems we had.
And now, I
will tell you about my little sister, Lilly. She was 5 years old as I
arrived in Germany and this year she turned 6. Her character is the
mix of Stephan's and Eva's. She is a very stubborn person. She will
not listen to you when you say "Don't climb that tree because if you
fall down it hurts" until she falls down and she knows "it hurts" then
she will say "You are right, it hurts" as she bursts into tears. She is a
brave, sporty and active girl, but she can't hold her tears when she
sees a worm that died in water, even she didn't kill that worm. She has a
very good heart, a very sweet smile and frankly, she brings people a
very good and positive atmosphere. I love her more than anything. For
me, she is my sister, even sometimes she told me that I am not her
family and that's why I may not kiss her deeply and too much. But I
always kiss her so deep even at the end we will fight because she says
"Disti, lass das (Disti, stop it)" and I will answer "Ich will nicht,
Ich will dich immer kuessen (I don't want, I always want to kiss you)"
and we will argue that I am not her family and I may not kiss her, but
as we both are so stubborn, I will always say that I love her so much,
that's why I always want to kiss her. And at the end she will always
"Ja, ich habe dich auch lieb Disti, aber bitte kuess mich nicht mehr
(Ja, I love you too Disti, but please don't kiss me anymore)" She is
my best friend here. I never share my problem with her, but everytime I
have homesick or some problems, I feel like she somehow understands me
and she will come to me and give me one or two of her stickers and say
"Where do you want it? You know what Disti, it gives you much of lucks.
You will always be happy and protected. I will give it as a present for
you." or sometimes she comes to my room and brings her drawing and says
"Disti, yuhu. I have a surprise for you. You have to look for it. I have
hidden it somewhere." and we look for it together but at the end she
will always say "Look at here. Maybe it is here." and she just actually
tells me where it is. It is only a simple drawing, with some sentences
with wrong letter because she hasn't been good at writing, but it says :
"Liebe Disti Hesjen Kuschel Muschel. Meine unterschrift Disti (Dear
Disti, Kuschel Muschel The Bunny. My signature: Disti)" or only a heart
with "Liebe Disti, deine Lilly (Dear Disti, your Lilly). I still
remember the time we fought and suddenly she went into my room and hide
something there, and at night as I wanted to sleep, I found a "rainbow"
drawing under my pillow. I love her so much. And I know she loves me.
Once she asked me "Disti, why are you no longer here in Sommer?" I told
her that I have to finish my study in Indonesia and she told me "Why do
you have to go back to Indonesia? You live there for your entire life.
Why don't you stay here?" And she asked me too "Disti, would you get
back?" "Where? to Germany?" "Ya." "I wish Lilly I will go back someday."
At that time, I promise myself if one day I come back here, I will
always visit my family here when I have time.
can only tell you guys, I am blessed I have this family. Even we
sometimes have problem, but I love them, no matter what happened. I
always pray to God to keep my family in Indonesia and also in Germany.
It is hard for me. In the next 3 months I will meet my own family. My
own mother, my own father, my own sibling-my brother. But in the next 3
months I have to leave my family here, my German mother, my German
father, my German sister.. Hard to choose.
But it is life. When you let
people come into your life, you should always know that one day you have
to let them come out of your life. But I never regret to have those
people in my life, because from them, I learnt to love
and be loved. I am blessed to have them in my life :)
P.S Here are some drawings Lilly made for me by herself. I also put a handicraft I made with her in this Easter. :)